Warning: This is Depressing

I've been sad since yesterday, and for a pathetic reason. My boyfriend and I have been spending Saturday nights together, and this week was different, and it kind of bugs me. Guys, I know it's pathetic. The clingiest girlfriend award goes to me.

My boyfriend is the best person I know. He shows me what true love can be, and he always makes me feel special. The down side of that is, now I compare every person to him. If you don't treat me as special as much as he does, then it's goodbye to you. Attention-seeker alert, right?

My question to the world is, why can't you all be like my boyfriend? =))

That's the most depressing thing. Eh, this makes no sense.

Parents

I could say that I'm always jealous of people close to their parents. I'm okay with my father, but my mother, not so much. Whenever I think about her, I get really emotional. I don't know, but I think she hates me.

She's usually angry at me. Especially when I ask money from her. It's not like I always ask money from her, I only do it when it's necessary. Sometimes, I just don't know how to deal with her. She's good with everybody else, but not with me.

I feel too sensitive sometimes. I always tear up over the little things.

I just want to get close to her, you know? Just build a relationship with her. I want my parents to just be open, and at least listen to my stories. Or just ask me how my day had been, or just tell me that they love me. Sometimes I feel really worthless from them. I know I'm old and this is really childish, but I just want to feel a little love from them, is that too much to ask?

Maybe I just want my mother not to be angry at me most of the time. And I just want her to understand that when I ask for me, I must really need it.

I feel more of a burden than a blessing for them. Actually, I only feel worthy for them when they need something from me. My mother lights up when we talk about the money I would give them when I start working. She also lights up when we talk about our dogs. I even think that she loves the dogs more than me, and I can't blame her because our dogs are such cutiepies. Anyway.

I don't know how to deal with them. I want my parents to be closer. I want to just tell them I love them without them giving me an irritated look. I haven't tried telling them I love them, but they'll just probably pretend they didn't hear me.

I'm f*cked. What's wrong with me?

Money and other drugs

Yesterday, I planned to apply for an SSS membership at 9AM today. Unfortunately, I'm a professional bum, so that didn't happen. But, at least, I got my dental check up. The last time I had my teeth checked was like years ago, so it was not surprising to receive so much bad news for my teeth. There were so many problems, but I don't have the money for that. :( Anyway.

I ate ketchup spaghetti today, and halo-halo. Halo-halo is a must try delicacy in the Philippines. It's so yummy and delicious, especially this hot summer.

Making this blog made me realize that my vocabulary's as low as ever. I didn't improve even a bit. What the hell, who cares.

Hmm, spent the day talking to my lola and other relatives. It was fun, I guess.

I spent the whole thinking about money and the things I could buy with money. I also realized that my family spends way too much money, and I should really learn how to save up. Research about the "Kurot Principle," it helped me a lot, although I haven't started saving money. Soon enough.

Boring Stuff

I found a site that would really help me improve my graphic design skills. 50 Totally Free Lessons in Graphic Design Theory | Psdtuts+

Oop, I forgot. I'm going to work as Graphic Artist for a company. This is my first job, and technically I can now say that I'm a professional designer. Woot woot.

Hmm. Today was an okay day. It started out real bad because my father woke me up and he was just so annoying when he wakes me up. Lunch was terrible, it was a lifeless boiled beef with banana and veggies. Hmm, slept the day away, then woke up to go to the mall. I was planning on convincing my parents to buy me a new phone, but I don't know. I don't like forcing my parents to buy something I don't need, so that really stopped me. It was boring since we just ate dinner. My boyfriend was at the same mall, but we were with each other's family so we really didn't have the freedom to see each other. We have our own things to do.

And, that's that. Boring. I've been playing Candy Crush so, boring.

Hmm. I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Suburgatory this week. Plus the latest episodes of Cougar Town. I nticed Dalia of Suburgatory and Laurie  of Cougar Town wore the same dress. It was the red dress with hearts on the boobs. Wow, that was boring.

This online diary thing's failing since I have a boring life being average haha!

Nothing new

My boyfriend and I had an intense heart-to-heart talk last night. Technically it was earlier this morning since we talked until 6 in the morning. Anyway, it was refreshing. It cleared things up for us. I love my relationship with him because we tell almost everything to each other. Maybe that sounds like the worst thing to some people, but being able to tell him everything is just amazing. Communication is the key to a successful relationship, don't you think?

I realized that I had been sad lately because of all the pain I have been feeling. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled brat or something, but it was really painful sacrificing things for our relationship. I mean, I do things because I want to, but when the little things add up, it can sting. I'm happy because I told him how I have been feeling lately, so I'm okay now.

I talk about my lovelife too much.

I'm pending to sign a contract with the company that wants to hire me. The human resources representative told me that she's contact me last Thursday, but she didn't. I followed up yesterday but to no response. I hope I didn't get "unhired" or something like that. Well, it's kind of predictable for them to be like this because according to my research, their recruitment process is complicated and messed up. I just hope my employment far away from complications. Am I making sense here? Haha! My English sucks.

What now?

Lately, I've been wanting to play all my sad songs and just lay in my bed. I feel sad but I really don't know why. What's wrong with me?

Hmm. I think I'm happy with my boyfriend. I just landed an entry-level job that has a good pay and lots of benefits. I have the best friends in the world, so what now?

I don't know.

This marks that "start of something new"

Hey, hello, hi.  Blogging's really not my thing so excuse my mediocrity.

I'm starting a blog for myself. My inspiration's Jenna from Awkward. That sounds lame but I can deal with it. I'll just record my thoughts for myself and just talk to a huge blank text box.

Hmm, so how have I been feeling? I don't know exactly. I've been with my boyfriend since October 18, 2011. I'm happy with him.. I think. I don't know. He's a genuine person and God, I'm so lucky to have him. There had been ups and downs but the ups make up for the downs. Anyway, I'm really not sure if we're going anywhere. I feel like it's too soon to decide if I'm going to marry him or what. I sound like a teenager crazy in love with a boy UGH. Sometimes, I want to break up with him just because I feel like all of what I think I'm feeling isn't true. I doubt myself. Honestly speaking, I didn't love him when we first got together, but that didn't stop me from telling him I love him. I just didn't want to be alone anymore. It's kind of pathetic but that's me. And that's one of the reasons why I'll be keeping this blog anonymous. Hihi.

I guess you can say that I just learned to love him, if this really is "love," whatever that is. I feel so connected with him, and I'm beyond happy when I'm with him. I keep repeating myself but I'm not sure of my feelings, just because how things started. I cheated on him on our first week. My reason for that is, I was drunk, I was with a guy I've been crushing on, and I'm not sure of my feelings for anybody.

If I really look into it, it's my ex boyfriend's fault. Or it was my previous relationship's fault. It was really difficult for me to handle that break up. He was my everything. Well, not literally. He was the first man to ever truly love me. (Got that from Awkward, again.) It was the first time a man really loved me and accepted me for who I am. But like any other high school relationships, it was messed up. After entering college, he was just smothering me. I'm not sure if I had been smothering him, too. My mistake was that I let it happen. I really didn't understand what was happening then. I thought it was just normal couple stuff. Well, I was clearly wrong. It took a while for me to understand what happened to me and my ex, and I still can't understand why he broke up with me, but I'm glad it happened. We were a wreck. And I don't know how I would've gone through college with that baggage. And all that time moving on and stuff, it really woke me up. It really showed me what I want. It set me free from the desperation of having a boy love me.

I feel bad for my boyfriend now. He was clearly a rebound, although it was 2 years later after the break up, but I knew to myself that I haven't really moved on at that time. I'm really not sure if I had already moved on now. There's always something inside me that wants to be with my ex. I always care about what's happening with him, there's always a rush of feelings when I hear his name, there's a secret longing for us to meet again. But if you ask me if I want to be with him again, I'm not sure. Probably not. Maybe, it depends. If he presented me a new version of himself, then I'd consider. But what about my present boyfriend? I don't know, really. My feelings are fucked up. I'd probably choose my present boyfriend. But I don't think he deserves someone like me. I'm a mess.

And... that's my lovelife. I don't know who I could talk to about these kinds of feelings, so I created this blog. I plan to write a blog everyday until the end of my days.

This blog is private.. and secret so shhhh. :*