Hey, hello, hi. Blogging's really not my thing so excuse my mediocrity.
I'm starting a blog for myself. My inspiration's Jenna from Awkward. That sounds lame but I can deal with it. I'll just record my thoughts for myself and just talk to a huge blank text box.
Hmm, so how have I been feeling? I don't know exactly. I've been with my boyfriend since October 18, 2011. I'm happy with him.. I think. I don't know. He's a genuine person and God, I'm so lucky to have him. There had been ups and downs but the ups make up for the downs. Anyway, I'm really not sure if we're going anywhere. I feel like it's too soon to decide if I'm going to marry him or what. I sound like a teenager crazy in love with a boy UGH. Sometimes, I want to break up with him just because I feel like all of what I think I'm feeling isn't true. I doubt myself. Honestly speaking, I didn't love him when we first got together, but that didn't stop me from telling him I love him. I just didn't want to be alone anymore. It's kind of pathetic but that's me. And that's one of the reasons why I'll be keeping this blog anonymous. Hihi.
I guess you can say that I just learned to love him, if this really is "love," whatever that is. I feel so connected with him, and I'm beyond happy when I'm with him. I keep repeating myself but I'm not sure of my feelings, just because how things started. I cheated on him on our first week. My reason for that is, I was drunk, I was with a guy I've been crushing on, and I'm not sure of my feelings for anybody.
If I really look into it, it's my ex boyfriend's fault. Or it was my previous relationship's fault. It was really difficult for me to handle that break up. He was my everything. Well, not literally. He was the first man to ever truly love me. (Got that from Awkward, again.) It was the first time a man really loved me and accepted me for who I am. But like any other high school relationships, it was messed up. After entering college, he was just smothering me. I'm not sure if I had been smothering him, too. My mistake was that I let it happen. I really didn't understand what was happening then. I thought it was just normal couple stuff. Well, I was clearly wrong. It took a while for me to understand what happened to me and my ex, and I still can't understand why he broke up with me, but I'm glad it happened. We were a wreck. And I don't know how I would've gone through college with that baggage. And all that time moving on and stuff, it really woke me up. It really showed me what I want. It set me free from the desperation of having a boy love me.
I feel bad for my boyfriend now. He was clearly a rebound, although it was 2 years later after the break up, but I knew to myself that I haven't really moved on at that time. I'm really not sure if I had already moved on now. There's always something inside me that wants to be with my ex. I always care about what's happening with him, there's always a rush of feelings when I hear his name, there's a secret longing for us to meet again. But if you ask me if I want to be with him again, I'm not sure. Probably not. Maybe, it depends. If he presented me a new version of himself, then I'd consider. But what about my present boyfriend? I don't know, really. My feelings are fucked up. I'd probably choose my present boyfriend. But I don't think he deserves someone like me. I'm a mess.
And... that's my lovelife. I don't know who I could talk to about these kinds of feelings, so I created this blog. I plan to write a blog everyday until the end of my days.
This blog is private.. and secret so shhhh. :*
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